Denial
by misguidedinfatuation
Summary: Alec Lightwood was a self-proclaimed walking tragedy - in love with his stepbrother, self-conscious and in the closet - and Magnus Bane was the glittery beautiful God who Alec is convinced thrives on antagonizing and teasing him. No, seriously - Magnus can't actually like Alec. No, definitely not. AU High School. Malec.
1. Chapter 1

Alec Lightwood must be the most tragically pathetic teenager that ever graced the halls of their high school, which was really saying something. He was really cursing whatever deity decided that he should be in love with his unattainable, painfully _gorgeous _stepbrother, forcing him to trail on his heels and pining after him like a lovesick puppy. Alec Lightwood didn't _want _to be a lovesick puppy. Alec Lightwood wanted to be a warrior, a fucking pillar of stoic strength – well as much as being a high school student living in his parent's home would allow.

However, Alec Lightwood was not a warrior. He was a coward.

It itched under his skin all the time – the uncertainty, the want, the need, the shame. It was like a rash, one that possibly didn't have a cure – no _definitely _didn't have a cure. Jace was straight, that of which he knew, but Alec was too hopeful that someday Jace might turn around and see Alec standing next to him and just be blown away by revelation. The scene had been played in his head a thousand times, from the moment when Jace's casual arm around Alec's shoulder became a lover's caress instead.

He shook the thought from his head and to the situation at hand – Magnus Bane.

It's not like Alec Lightwood hated Magnus Bane. Alec Lightwood hated that Magnus Bane was everything he could not be. Out (bisexual, not gay, but he had gone out with two guys, which Alec took _great _notice of), confident, sensual, fucking beautiful, and able to wink without the whole world fainting of shock. (The one time Alec had tried to wink, he ended up looking like he had an eye-twitching disease.) So, no, Alec didn't hate Magnus Bane.

Magnus Bane _did _seem to hate Alec, though.

Well. Magnus wouldn't outwardly admit he hated Alec, but Alec was _sure _he did. Why else would Magnus throw winks at Alec like he was _flirting_, why would Magnus run his long made-for-the-piano fingers down Alec's arm like Alec was _his_, why would Magnus smile at Alec so intimately like it was just the _two of them in the room_ and why would Magnus slip sexual innuendo in all the conversations they had _like he actually wanted Alec? _Alec was sure Magnus was just doing all this to make fun of him, or torture him, or something along the lines, because Alec wasn't someone that Magnus would like.

Alec knew he had a long sexual history. (For someone who claimed to dislike Magnus, Alec sure knew a lot about him.) All of Magnus's exes were tall, model-like, confident with airs and graces that made Alec look like a potato. They complimented Magnus. Alec did not. Would not.

So the logical conclusion, obviously, was that Magnus just enjoyed teasing Alec.

He was doing this now, leaning in towards Alec as he was asking him about an assignment they had to work on together in English – something about _Pride and Prejudice _or one of those kinds of novels. Magnus had his mouth dangerously close to Alec's, and Alec pushed back at the wall like it was his safety blanket.

"Alexander," (This was another irritating thing Magnus did, calling Alec _Alexander_) "we need to decide on a time and date to work on this. It seems of urgent attention, does it not?"

Alec scowled. "It's due in two weeks, Bane."

"Oh, _Bane_ is it now?" Magnus said, quirking a smile at this. "I think I like that. _Bane_. Less syllables, easier to say in the throes of passion."

"Don't start," Alec replied, rolling his eyes.

"Well, two weeks or not, dear Alexander," Magnus said, "we still need to set a date and time. Would you like the library, a coffee shop, the park, my house, your house...?"

"Dear God," Alec said. "The library would be fine. Let's say, Friday after school, alright? Bring all your notes then. We'll collaborate and try to get as much done as possible."

"Alright," Magnus agreed easily.

"And don't slack off, please?" Alec said. "I _know _you're busy with your raging social life, _Magnus_, but I would really like to do well on this."

"Mhm, I know," Magnus murmured. "Don't worry, Alexander. I will hold up my end, and you hold up yours." He grinned at Alec then, giving him a small wink and sliding off towards Camille, who was waiting diligently near the door to the cafeteria.

It was lunchtime, but Alec knew Magnus usually went off campus for lunch. Alec really didn't see the need too, so he usually got the crappy school meals to shut up his stomach before he could get home and shovel some _real _food into his mouth.

"Alec!" Isabelle cried as he sat down next to her. "Wonderful, you're here."

"Yes, and where else would I be, Iz?" Alec replied, already in a seemingly fowl mood.

"Well, there _are _other places in the world, Alec," Isabelle replied wryly. "Now, you'd never guess who I saw Jace with –"

"Hey, hey," Jace interrupted, sliding into the seat beside Alec. "I really do hate it when you impart gossip about me to Alec without me being there."

"You were taking dreadfully long," Isabelle said, sniffing. "So, you were busy then?"

"Ah, yeah," Jace said, shrugging and grinning sheepishly. "_Not _what you think though."

"Oh?" Isabelle said, raising her eyebrow. "And what _do _I think then, Jace?"

"That I'm in the janitor's cupboard someone fucking my brains out," Jace replied casually, and Alec winced at the crudeness.

"And you weren't?"

"Nope," Jace said. He swiped some fries from Alec's tray, receiving a sharp glare from Alec which Jace ignored. "I was _just _chatting with this new girl, Clary. She is _wonderful_."

Ouch. Alec felt a stab to his stomach, and abruptly turned his face away from Jace's happiness. He swallowed, trying to swallow the bitter taste of jealousy rising in his throat but failing. _Wonderful_. Jace had never described one of his conquests before as _wonderful_. Fuck.

"Oh, _wonderful_?" Isabelle quipped back, obviously amused. "Did you hear that, Alec? Jace said she was wonderful. Well, then. That's decided. I guess they're getting married."

"Oh, hardy har har," Jace responded, rolling his eyes. "You're just awfully jealous because you're still trying to get Simon in your pants."

"_Trying_?" Isabelle said, with a knowing raise of her eyebrow.

"_No!_" Jace cried, delight spread across his features.

Alec tried to exude the same amount of incredulity, but couldn't when faced with that _look _in Jace's eyes. He didn't know who this Clary girl was, but Alec was going to act like a fucking Ice King when he met her and there wasn't anything that she or him could really do about it.

"So Alec, heard you're with Magnus for English?" Jace said, stuffing his face with even more fries.

Alec made a disgusted noise at Jace's gluttony, but nodded sharply. "Yeah."

"Oh no _wonder _you look like you just saw our mother's head get chopped off!" Isabelle said, and when faced with Jace's and Alec's appalled looks, just shrugged and said, "we're studying the Tudor era in AP History at the moment."

"I do _not _look like my mother's...head just got chopped off," Alec said, forcing the words out.

"Oh yeah you do," Jace said, making a show of putting his face close to Alec's and examining him closely. "Definitely a mother head chopping kind of mood."

"Could we please not talk about Mom and her head getting chopped off," Alec muttered, turning away from Jace's head so he didn't have to look at him. "I am trying to consume some food, here."

"And what a great job you're doing of it too," Jace said, nodding his head at the tray and pointing out that it was mostly full. "Now come on, what's Magnus done this time? If you say he's just been _flirting _some more, _I'll _cut _your _head off. He obviously likes you."

"Shove off," Alec said, scoffing. "Magnus hates me."

"Says you," Jace said, shrugging. "Anyway, I think he likes you. And –" here Jace glanced always _worriedly _at Alec – "I think he'd be good for you."

Alec spluttered. "I'm not – I don't – I don't swing that way, you know that."

"Mhm," Jace hummed under his breath. "Well then, I still think you two should be friends. He's a bit crazy, that one, but then again, that should balance you out."

"What do you mean –"

"Jace is right, you know," Isabelle said, looking innocent as she bit into her ham sandwich. "He might actually stop you from being so goddamn uptight all the time."

Alec drew in a breath indignantly. "I'm not _uptight_ –"

"Oh, whatever, Alec!" Isabelle said loudly, attracting some members of a nearby table. "You won't even accept any of our invites to go to a party."

"I don't like parties," Alec said, but he knew that Isabelle and Jace would not be swayed, no matter what.

"Well, either way," Jace continued. "You can tell him that as long as he doesn't shake any of that goddamn glitter all over our house, he can come over any time." At this Jace winked, and Alec felt an involuntary flutter in his stomach. He pinched himself in warning under the table and went back to trying to eat his food, pushing away all thoughts of Magnus and Jace and that rash itching under his skin.

* * *

_It would be so nice if you could review if you liked. Thanks for reading!_


	2. Chapter 2

Magnus Bane had sneaked in a mug of tea – a type he had never heard of, it certainly wasn't of the Earl Grey variety Alec usually stuck with – despite a sign on the library door saying drinks weren't allowed. He even brought a coaster and sat it down between Alec and him decidedly, taking small sips from it every two minutes. It was driving Alec up the fucking wall. The smell was _strong _– read, pungent – and it made Alec want to pick up the mug and throw the tea at Magnus's face, pretty as it was.

"You have that look on your face again," Magnus murmured as he looked down at his notes, a highlighter in his left hand and a pen in the right. "Are you quite alright, Alexander?"

"Fine," Alec replied, shortly. He just wanted to go home, endure some teasing from Jace about his "date" with Magnus, and read.

_Magnus raised his eyes from his papers and looked at Alec with an absolutely patronising look on his face. "Am I doing something deplorable?"_

"No," Alec said. Alec wasn't really one for flowery language or words spun into sentences that would impress, but even he supposed that he was being a bit unfair with Magnus.

"Am I not doing the work fast enough because I could –"

"Magnus, I would really like it if we could refrain from much conversation," Alec said, looking down at his work again so he didn't have to meet Magnus's eyes. "I just want to get this done, and go."

There was a slight pause, and then a, "of course" drawled with the same amount of Magnus-Bane cocksureness that usually coloured his speech, so Alec thought nothing of it.

Alec could feel Magnus's eyes on him as he checked the book against his notes and flicked his wrist when highlighting, he felt it heavy on his skin. Alec knew it was impossible to be sure without looking up, but it was just a sense he got. It made him self-conscious, and he started to twitch and fidget, his fingers sifting through paper that didn't need to be sifted through.

"We need to find some modern novels to compare this to," Magnus reminded Alec, forcing Alec to look up. "It's part of the assignment."

"Unfortunately," Alec said, rolling his eyes. "I don't read any romance novels, so perhaps you have a suggestion?"

"No romance novels?" Magnus said in fake-surprise. "Are you saying you're not interested in _affairs of the heart?_"

"I don't believe in love," Alec said defiantly, feeling curls of self-hatred ticking at his stomach as the lie spread from his tongue.

"I think you're lying, Alexander," Magnus said, his stupid contact cat eyes fixated upon Alec's eyes. "Everyone wants to be loved."

Alec felt the heavy lull in the conversation which he knew Magnus expected him to fill, but he didn't know what with. Magnus didn't take his eyes off him.

"It's just ideology forced upon us through books and movies and the media that being in love will make us happy," Alec pointed out. "Yes, everyone wants to be loved, but it doesn't have to be a romantic type of love. Family love can fulfil you just as much."

"_Well_," Magnus said, this time in obvious surprise. "That is the most I've heard you talk, Alexander. Sorry I brought up such a sensitive topic."

Alec was also surprised, but because Magnus sounded so sincere about it. Alec had had _conversations _with Magnus before, but it usually involved Magnus teasing and winking and making fun of him, so this was new and different and –

"So, you believe in love then?" Alec asked, curious. "In this another person will make you whole, thing?"

"I used to," Magnus admit. "I've been with a lot of people, and I used to ache for it. Yeah, I wanted...it. But now, I'm not so sure." He shrugged, and then grinned at Alec. "That's the thing about life though. You can't plan everything."

"You can try," Alec said, but then shut up about it all.

* * *

Somehow, Alec and Magnus ended up in the Young Adult section of the library, going through all the romance novels with the liking of someone that had to rummage through trash to find something they accidentally threw out. Alec wasn't saying the books were _trash _per say, but in fear of Izzy finding out that he had called some of her favourite books _trash_, Alec was using the words "not my cup of tea" instead. Magnus outright said they sounded like complete shit, and Alec kept ignorantly silent.

"Alright, listen to this," Magnus said, and then slipped into a dramatised voice of a sixteen year old girl, "'Poppy was an average girl of sixteen. She went to school, came home, fought with her little brother over video games and did her homework. All this changed when Damon Wright turned up at her doorstep, bleeding and desperate for her help.' Did you hear that, Alec? _Desperate_."

Alec couldn't help but laugh.

"Success," Magnus said, a playful smirk twisting his features. "Today, I made Alexander Lightwood laugh."

Alec scowled.

"Oh come on, Alexander, I haven't mentioned you in my bed _once_ today," Magnus said.

Somehow, this made Alec even more irritated. Alec didn't even know what it was. He turned determinedly to the spines of books, letting his fingers drift over them.

Alec heard footsteps behind him, and then felt Magnus broach in his personal space, his body close to Alec's back. Alec could feel his heart and breath speed up simultaneously, and he cursed himself for being such a fucking teenager.

"Alexander," Magnus started to say, but Alec spun around before he could say anything else.

This was _even worse_. Magnus's lips were close to Alec's – so close, too close, close enough for one of them to lean a bit forward and close the gap if they were so inclined – and Alec felt his gaze drift down towards them. Shit. It didn't really feel like panic, more like a dream-like quality speeding through his veins, making things _slow_, real slow. Some part of his brain registered they were in a freaking _library _for God's sake, up against the shelves like a couple in a romantic comedy, Magnus the charming rake –

Then things were over, Magnus backing up from Alec with a triumphant look as if he had pushed Alec against the shelves and ravished him. There was such a _smug _look on Magnus's face, a look of blatant achievement, that Alec gave him a glare. Mostly because Alec didn't know what the hell he'd say if he opened his mouth.

"That was educational," Magnus said lightly, some weird spring in his step.

"How?" Alec demanded.

Magnus shrugged, all blasé. "Don't worry about it, Alexander. I'm sure the knowledge wouldn't do _you _any good, anyway. Now, what do you say about continuing?"

"I don't feel like it anymore," Alec said, grabbing his bag from where he had leant it against the table. "I'll talk to you at school."

"What's wrong?" Magnus said.

_That annoying, glittery son of a bitch_. "Nothing," Alec said, icily. "I just want to spend some time with Jace."

Magnus's previously adorned happy look fell a bit, but not enough for Alec to think it strange. "Alright, Alexander." He tilted his head. "And listen to Madonna or something. You look like you need cheering up."

"Who's Madonna?" Alec said.

For some unfathomable reason, this made Magnus burst into laughter, and Alec walked off in a self-indulgent huff.

* * *

"Who the fuck is Madonna?" Alec said as soon as he entered the house.

Jace was sitting on the couch, tilting the end of a piece of frozen pizza towards his mouth with one hand and the other hand on the remote. Alec flicked his eyes to the television and saw he was watching a nature show with the sound off, probably inventing the narrative himself.

"The first lumberjack to ever walk on the moon," Jace said offhandedly, systematically chewing his pizza. "Hey, can you grab me a Coke from the fridge?"

"No," Alec said, rolling his eyes and sitting down next to Jace. "And not only because you lied to me."

Jace grinned, nudging Alec's thigh with his foot. "Not my fault you live under a rock, Alec. Think of my poor, poor thirsty mouth and that ice-cold liquid drink of heaven just dying, _begging _to slide down my throat."

Alec rolled his eyes at Jace. "Do you have to make everything sound so..."

"So?" Jace said, raising his eyebrows, daring Alec to continue.

"Whatever. I'll get it for you if you stop doing it."

Alec grabbed a can of Coke from the fridge, dumping it into Jace's lap and ignoring his girlish cries of protest.

"So how was your rendezvous with Magnus?" Jace said, all casual-like. His eyes were still glued to the television, where he had turned the sound on and changed it to a dramatic soap opera.

"It wasn't a _rendezvous_," Alec insisted. "We have an assignment together."

"That's how it always begins," Jace said, nodding wisely. "First you both accidentally grab for the same book, and your hands touch. Then your eyes meet, and –"

"Shut up, Jace," Alec interrupted, snapping. "Do you always think about my love life?"

"Oh, Magnus is your _love life _now, is it?" Jace said slyly, smirking. "And no, but that's just what happened with Clary. It was all very magical."

Alec felt the same sharp ache in his chest as it was said, but he was still too irritated at Magnus to give it much thought. His eyebrows still knitted together involuntarily in a frown, and he couldn't help but inject some hurt in his voice as he said, "Oh? And when do I get to meet Clary, then?"

"All in good time, my friend," Jace said. "I don't need _you _scaring her off."

"_Me_?" Alec protested. "I'm not scary."

"_Not scary_? Alec, you're terrifying! Look at your face. Look at that glare. Oh, I'm shivering," Jace said, tossing a cheeky grin at Alec. "Seriously though. Terrifying." He moved his hand in a circular motion, gesturing vaguely at Alec's face.

"I don't think so," Alec murmured.

"Don't worry, when you bring Magnus home for a meet-and-greet I'll be sure to be on my _best _behaviour," Jace said.

"I'm not bringing Magnus home for _anything_, Jace. Period," Alec said through gritted teeth. "Cut it out."

"Oh, all right," Jace said, sighing. "I suppose I'll drop it. Hey, you want to go kick a ball around outside? I am dreadfully _bored_."

"You are always bored, Jace," Alec said, but stood up anyway.

"That's because I have a highly intelligent mind which needs a lot of stimulus," Jace replied.

"_Or _you're just too damn lazy," Alec shot back.

"I am not _lazy_," Jace said. "You don't just wake up with _this _good of a body."

"It's not that good," Alec muttered.

"Liar," Jace said, and bumped his shoulder playfully against Alec's as they rushed to the backyard, a ball under his arm.

And this was where some of Alec's favourite moments lay, between the quick eye glances and exchanges between them, the teasing at Alec's performance, the casual foot bumps and lacing of arms around shoulders. There was so much between them that could never be, but Alec could always pretend when Jace had his mouth by Alec's ear, whispering about how he was going to kick Alec's ass.

* * *

Alec woke up to a song he had never heard before, some sugary pop song with some annoying voice claiming she's a 'material girl' and Alec never wanted to break an inanimate object so much in his life.

"Jace!" Alec cried. "What!"

"That's my delayed answer!" Jace yelled back, and then stuck his head in the door.

"What?" Alec groaned, reaching over to shut it up so that silence could blessedly reign.

"That's Madonna," Jace replied, deliberately slowing it down as if Alec was particularly stupid. "She's not _actually _the first lumberjack that walked on the moon."

"Yes, _thank you_," Alec hissed, and Jace ran before Alec regained the control of his body and proceeded to throw something unforgivably hard in Jace's direction.

* * *

Later that day, Alec stuck a note into Magnus Bane's locker. The note said "_Madonna did not cheer me up. She made my ears bleed. Suggest something else."_

At the end of the day, Alec received a note in his locker. It read, "_I'm so sorry, my dear Alexander. Perhaps a token of my affection will help instead. Here are some 2D kisses: xxxxx."_

Alec slipped that into his bag and pretended as if he didn't consciously choose to keep it.

* * *

_A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews last chapter. I was a bit wary about the characterisations of Magnus and Alec as I hadn't read the books in forever, but I recently picked up City of Lost Souls which inspired me to write this. Thanks again, and be sure to review ;) _


	3. Chapter 3

After three weeks had passed of working on the assignment, Alec knew exactly what Magnus smelled like, and Magnus knew how Alec liked his coffee.

They would meet in libraries, coffee shops, fountains in parks and in between notes slid in locker grates, and Alec felt Magnus carve a place in his life. But Magnus didn't do this delicately, as Magnus never did anything delicately. Instead he carved into Alec's existence with blunt words and the glimmer of his eyes, the way Alec would find glitter on his notes when he got home. Sometimes Magnus would make Alec's breath catch with the way he leant in to Alec, as if Alec was his, and sometimes he would make Alec want to knock the breath out of him.

Alec hated it sometimes, hated it when Magnus would turn his head a certain way and the light would catch his features _just right _and all Alec could think was _perfect perfect perfect_, the mantra inking its way on his brain.

Everything was fine, really, perfectly fine, until he met Clary Fray.

* * *

Alec came home, caffeinated on a six shot espresso Magnus had plonked down on his table as a surprise. Max, his younger brother, was reading a manga on the couch and didn't even look up when Alec entered the room.

"Jace?" Alec inquired, stepping into the kitchen to grab a glass of water.

"Upstairs," Max replied. "Has a friend over."

"A friend?" Alec said, surprised. Jace didn't usually bring people over. Jace was charismatic and wonderful and quite likable, but he didn't really have those types of _friends_.

"A _friend_," Max said.

"Oh." Alec felt realisation hit him like a dart to its bull's eye, and he squashed down any rising feelings. "Okay."

He didn't know why, but his feet were carrying him up the stairs. He didn't want to see them, no, he really didn't, but he couldn't help it. He felt hollow. He wanted to fill himself up, and if that was to be with terrible, terrible angst, then so be it. Alec could hardly call himself a teenager without it.

"Jace?" Alec called out in warning, before opening the door and stepping inside Jace's room.

There was an unfamiliar figure sitting cross-legged on Jace's bed. She was petite and a redhead and pretty. She held a large sketch pad on her lap and a pencil was in a hand, roughly sketching in what Alec could recognise as the outlines of Jace's face.

"Alec!" Jace cried in pleasure, standing up abruptly from where he was sitting on the window seat.

"Hi," Alec said, a little harshly.

"This is Clary," Jace said, gesturing towards the redhead. "She's an artist, and as most artists do, felt like capturing my beauty."

The girl rolled her eyes, but grinned good-naturedly. "As you can see, they're lining up. Hi, nice to meet you, Alec. Jace talks about you all the time."

And then Alec was faced with five feet and one inches of earnest teenage girl, hand stretched out like she actually wanted to be friends with him, and Alec reached out to grasp it. Manners drilled into him from young took over auto-pilot, and he smiled unconvincingly.

"Nice to meet you, Clary," Alec said, somewhat stiffly.

"Alec, something wrong?" Jace said, narrowing his eyes at him. "Did you and Magnus get in a lovers tiff?"

"No," Alec said. "That would be impossible, seeing as we're not _lovers_."

"Mhm, details," Jace said, waving it away. "Now, Alec, what do you think of this drawing of me? Do I _really _have this severe of a jaw? Be honest now."

Alec almost forgot to respond, because his mind was whirring at high speed, comparing himself to Clary side by side. Clary was an _artist_, probably impulsive, stubborn, witty, different. Alec was boring, straight and narrow, logical. Clary was short, Alec was tall. Clary seemed to actually have a personality. Alec ended up coming across as a blank canvas most of the time. Clary was a girl. Alec was a boy.

Incompetence . It was a feeling Alec had to deal with much of his life, with Isabelle being beautiful and wonderful and otherworldly and Jace being well _Jace_, and much of the same. Golden, hard for anyone else to look at.

"You're really not that attractive," Alec said, pretending to size up the sketch.

"You _wound _me, Alexander," Jace said. "At least I have Clary."

"Well, artists do always embellish their subjects a bit," Clary said, sending a sly glance at Jace.

"Oh! Two of my favourite people, plotting against me," Jace said.

_Two of my favourite people._

Alec quickly left the room.

* * *

Alec Lightwood was good at a lot of things. He was good at calculus, and he was good at fixing household appliances. He was good at being a big brother to Max, and he was good at ignoring people. He wasn't good at dealing with _emotions. _

Alec never had a diary, or a blog, or somewhere where he could vent. He usually liked to just keep it all bottled up, on lockdown, a place to stew and secretly fume and deal with it in compartments, in doses, when he could. It's not like he was going to blow up or anything. Instead what he kept inside him gently tapped at his heart, a reminder that Alec had problems and those problems were not going away. Today, those problems were not gently tapping. Today, those problems were knocking his heart down, telling Alec to wake up, deal the fuck with this, and move on.

Unfortunately, Alec's way of dealing with things was venturing out into the freezing cold and sitting on a park bench, feeling sorry for himself.

Somehow along the way, Alec had managed to call Magnus to meet him there. Alec didn't know when Magnus suddenly became someone to call, but all of a sudden, he was.

"Alexander, what in the ever loving fuck are you doing?"

Magnus walked over, bundled up in God knows how many layers. His cheeks were vaguely pink even though his skin was still tan, and this was the first time Alec had seen him with no glitter anywhere on his person. When Magnus sat next to him, he still smelled like Lapsang Souchong tea and cologne.

"I don't know," Alec answered, honestly.

Magnus was silent. It felt odd, that Magnus was this quiet, but it felt right too. This was a quiet sort of moment, and Alec knew that Magnus knew when to listen. The moment felt poignant somehow, so Alec pressed his shoulder a little more into Magnus's, wishing that it would all go away.

However, Magnus pulled away, distancing himself from Alec. Alec turned towards him with a puzzled look, and Magnus shook his head.

"Alexander, I am not being your rebound."

"My –" Alec spluttered. "What do you mean?"

"You know what I mean."

"Jesus," Alec murmured. "I just moved a little closer to you, I didn't stick my tongue down your freaking throat or anything."

"Not that that wouldn't be unwelcome, under normal circumstances," Magnus assured him. "But this isn't really normal circumstances, is it?"

"No," Alec admitted. His voice wanted to crack, Alec thought. Alec was just feeling so _lost_. If there was one thing that Alec knew, it was that he loved Jace. Alec had known this forever, and it had just become imprinted on his heart, his bones, his fingers, the dip of his collarbones, ever since he could remember. It was something just always _there_. To suddenly realise, to just _know _once and for all that maybe this wasn't right, _Alec and Jace_, it was never _right_, made his entire worldview shift.

They sat there for a while just side by side, watching the world freeze around them and Alec freezing right along with it.

* * *

Things weren't really okay, between Magnus and Alec after that. The dynamics between them had changed, and Alec felt the loss of shared easiness like a blow to his heart, especially after things were still strained between him and Jace.

Magnus stopped dropping teasing hints about wanting to get into Alec's pants. Alec didn't really _mind_, I mean, obviously Alec knew he had never meant them in the first place, but it still widened the emptiness.

He had also lost a lot of spark, the grin, the sly smirk, the shine that was so very _Magnus_. One day, he turned up with his hair all inky black, the tips no longer blue. Alec didn't know what to do, so he didn't do anything. They were going to finish their assignment soon, anyway, and things would go back to normal.

It was the last day of their assignment, and they were in a coffee shop. It was one of those darker coffee shops, the interior masquerading as something hip and mysterious and Magnus fit in there like it was made for him. Alec felt a bit out of place, but he had his black coffee with two sugars (Magnus remembered, of course) in a mug sat down next to him, so he was fine.

"Are you alright?" Magnus finally asked, looking up.

Alec had been waiting for this, so he wasn't fazed.

"I'm not sure why you care."

"Don't be ridiculous, Alexander."

"Don't be patronising, Magnus."

"I'm not being –" Magnus sighed. "Look, I know you're hurt. I've been there. It will pass. Maybe you were never really in love with –"

"Shut up. Shut _up_," Alec said. "You can say a lot of things, Magnus, but don't say a fucking thing about me and Jace."

"Why not?" Magnus said, voice rising in slight anger. "I've been watching you sulk for over a week now. I've been watching you pine after that moronic oaf for _years. _Years, Alec! _Years!_"

"You _have not_," Alec hissed. "You couldn't even have known."

"I couldn't even have –" Magnus sighed again, this time a big huff. "Look, it was obvious you were infatuated with him. Anyone could have seen it. Hell, I think even _Jace _knew, Alexander."

"Jace knew?" Alec said, sounding vulnerable.

"Yes!" Magnus cried.

"So," Alec said, crossing his arms over his chest. "So, what? You couldn't have _cared_. You haven't even properly known me till this month!"

"This _month_, Alec?" Magnus said, indignantly. He scoffed, disbelieving. "You know, I always was partial to boys with black hair and blue eyes."

"What?" Alec said. "_No_."

Magnus scoffed again.

Alec started shaking his head. "Impossible. You couldn't...you're – you're you. I'm just..." Alec's hands started twitching together and his mind seemed both blank and a whirlwind.

Then Magnus leant over the low, small table and placed one hand on either side of Alec's head. Their mouths were close now, like that one time in the bookshelves, and Alec could feel their breath intermingling. They were breathing at the same pace now, taking and releasing air at the same time. It felt nice to be this close to someone, Magnus's eyes ever-searching into Alec's.

"You," Magnus said softly, but clearly, determinedly. "You are not trivial."

And then everything stopped, Magnus just holding Alec there like Alec was some fucking _trophy _to be admired at, and Alec was sick of everyone treating him like he was just boring old Alec and he was angry at everyone and at himself and he closed the distance and pushed his lips against Magnus's, fuelled by determination and the kind of fuck you attitude Alec usually attributed to Jace.

For a second Alec thought he felt Magnus push back. For a second, Alec thought he had felt the flick of Magnus's tongue against his lips. He didn't know what to think, how to feel, he just focused on the feeling of Magnus being too close, crowded around him and replacing his feelings with _want. _But only for just a second.

Magnus withdrew from the kiss, shaking his head, looking goddamn wrecked. His mouth was red and Alec could see the slight flush of his cheeks through his tan.

Alec felt a slight sting, _rejection _maybe, but then he just felt numb. Maybe slightly panicked, but Alec usually always was under the surface.

"You –" Magnus started, and then looked straight into Alec's eyes. He looked angry, a little vulnerable. At least, Alec thought, a damn sight away from what he usually looked like. "Did you imagine I was _Jace_?" Bitter.

"No!" Alec cried. It was the truth, mostly. He wasn't going to pretend that maybe a thought of Jace had flitted through his mind – but Alec was still _raw_, still _hurting_.

Magnus still looked wary, disbelieving. "Why'd you do it now, then? Of all times, of all _places_."

"I..." Alec stumbled, and then turned away with a self-deprecating laugh. "I don't know."

Magnus sighed, closing his eyes in contemplation. "This isn't a good idea."

"What isn't?"

"This." Magnus gestured between himself and Alec. "You're...broken. You're not ready."

"You don't get to tell me I'm not ready," Alec finally hedged after several beats of silence. "I don't...I might be a little bit broken. And God, it's not like I'm expecting you to be my knight in shining armour and fix me the hell up. In fact, I don't _want _you to be. I don't want you to tip toe around me like I'm sort of _damsel_. I want you to hurt me if I need it. Make me feel something other than crippling self-deprecation for once." He shook his head. "I'm over...I'm over just being there. I want to be somewhere." He flicked his eyes up at Magnus. "Somewhere real. You know?"

Magnus looked at Alec with hesitance clouding his gaze, but he took Alec's hand and swiped his thumb over his knuckles.

"Alright, Alexander," Magnus murmured, reminding Alec of a cat's purr. "I'll take you there."

Alec felt the thump of anticipation speed his heart rate along, looking down and trying to just focus of the feel of Magnus's hand on his, keeping him steady.

* * *

_A/N: Thanks for all the kind reviews. It's a bit shorter than I thought it was going to be, but I decided to just end it there. If you like, be sure to leave a line!_

_P.S. This chapter is dedicated to Ashleigh, whose birthday was a little while ago. ;)_


	4. Chapter 4

"_You're thinking too much," Magnus murmured, brushing a hand down Alec's side. He ran his fingertips down Alec's ribs, eliciting a shiver that Alec could feel down to his bones._

"_I – Magnus," Alec gasped, arching into Magnus's touch and burying his face into Magnus's neck. It was too much – sensory overload – a tongue licking the shell of his ear and expert fingers teasingly close._

"_When are you ever going to let go, Alexander?" Magnus said into Alec's hair, tugging it slightly. "You're never going to be loved like this."_

_Alec pulled away abruptly, something tingling at his eyes. "Magnus?"_

"_You know I'm right," he whispered to Alec, "Jace could never love someone too worried about what other people thought. I don't know if I can, Alec. You understand that, right?"_

"_No," Alec whispered back, "Magnus, I do want you but –"_

"_You just can't show me it," he said gravely, slipping his hand around Alec's wrist and squeezing. "When are you going to realise, that I like you for you?" _

"_What do you –"_

"_You know what I mean, Alec," Magnus said. "You don't have to think about what _I _want all the time. You don't need to tailor yourself for me."_

_Alec felt tears on his cheek, crawling down his face to mingle with the bitterness of words on his tongue. "I can't help it, I just want people to _like _me."_

"_Dear Alexander," he said, and swept Alec's hair back. "I have to go."_

_..._

Alec blinked languidly to will the tiredness away, his arm reaching for his alarm clock. He ran his hand over his face, fighting down the onslaught of emotions that had no fucking place in his body at six am in the morning. It was an uphill battle, this boyf-Magnus thing, his self-hatred making him choke at every corner just when he thought he actually deserved Magnus's smile. Then there was the stupid revelation that Jace knew he was in _love with him _for god knows how many years, and the more Alec thought about it, the more that he knew it made sense. Jace was the only person he ever really opened to – they were _brothers_, closer than blood – and that could seem odd beside his insistent that social interaction really, really sucked. And the fact that Jace kept pushing Alec onto Magnus...

Oh Jesus. Jace _knew _Alec was in love with him, and he was trying to get Alec to let that go by making him _fall in love with Magnus. _Fuck – Alec suddenly felt like he was a charity case for Jace to shake his head at and gently steer in a better direction, and God if that didn't hurt like someone just stabbed him.

It's – I mean, Alec wasn't _over _Jace just because he had Magnus. It didn't work that way, but Alec knew that Magnus was _good _for him. Magnus forced Alec outside of himself, he made him participate in a life that Alec always felt detached from. And Alec was good for Magnus, Alec told himself as he huffed himself out of bed and staggered to the bathroom. He would stop this right now, this pity thing, or it would go downhill for the rest of the day.

Instead he thought about Magnus, and the way he had ran his head through Alec's hair yesterday, declaring it in need of an immediate haircut.

* * *

"Alexander!" Magnus exclaimed, greeting Alec at the school parking lot. He reached over and squeezed Alec's wrist, rubbing his thumb over it in a circle before pulling back and grinning.

"Magnus," Alec intoned, nodding. Alec kept getting a jolt of feeling pulling at his chest every time he even glimpsed Magnus, but it wasn't like he was going to tell _him _that.

"Aw, don't pretend like you're not happy to see me," Magnus said. "You're ecstatic on the inside, I just know it."

"Don't pretend like you know me," Alec replied, but tugged on the strap of Magnus's backpack to show he was just teasing. Yes, the strap of his backpack – Alec was learning affection, alright, and it wasn't hard to what with Magnus putting his hand on some part of Alec every five minutes.

"So like hey, do you want to come over tonight?" Magnus said, in his slightly-apprehensive voice. Magnus wasn't a very apprehensive person in general, but Alec had grown to know the differences in tone.

"Um," Alec said, stopping at his locker and turning his head towards him a tad. "Like, uh, you mean meeting your parents?"

"What?" Magnus said, eyes widening in surprise. "God, _no_. I am one hundred percent not on board you meeting my goddamn parents yet, not if I don't want you to run away screaming like you just saw a ten foot pink monster."

Alec raised his eyebrow. "Ten foot pink monster?"

Magnus waved it off. "Dream last night."

_Do you know what I dreamt of last night? _Alec thought in his head, biting his lip.

"Oh."

"So," Magnus continued, forcing himself into Alec's field of vision even more as Alec pulled out some books. "Do you want to? Come on. It'll be fun." He wiggled his eyebrows. "Maybe even PG-Rated fun."

Alec swallowed. "Oh. Yeah? What's PG-rated fun?"

"Mhmm...maybe some movies. Popcorn. Awkward hand grabs as we both reach for the popcorn at the same time. Perhaps an arm stretch. I might even give you a kiss when I can't contain myself when Noah and Allie from the Notebook share a particularly passionate kiss."

"Substitute The Notebook and I guess I'm there," Alec replied. "I hate popcorn though."

"You _hate popcorn?_" Magnus all but yelled. "_Alexander!_"

"Mhm, first fight?" Jace interjected smoothly, slinging an arm around Alec.

Alec stiffened, but he didn't throw it off. Magnus on the other hand, looked like he was about to take out a knife and cut it off, Saw-style.

"Me – and Magnus – we're not," Alec stammered.

"Hi, Jace," Magnus said, tilting his head at Jace. "How are you?"

"Good," Jace said, his voice losing a little bit of its good-naturedness as he met Magnus's eyes. "How about you?"

"Fantastic," Magnus replied.

They held gazes for another second before sliding his arm off Alec. Alec promptly shot a glare at Magnus, raising both of his eyebrows in an alarmed look.

"Well, I'm going to go," Jace announced brightly. "See you at home, Alec."

He strode away and Alec made sure Jace wasn't in earshot when he smacked Magnus in the arm. "Seriously, Magnus? What the fuck? You don't need to _stare him down_. You guys aren't _dogs_, you don't need to be the _alpha_. Honestly. You try and act like you're protecting me or some shit, again and I _will _run away screaming."

Magnus let a bitter smirk spread across his lips. "Jace isn't really handling this situation very well. He's pretending like your feelings _don't matter_."

_They don't_. "Jace has always been like that, alright?" Alec said, shaking his head. "Don't worry about it. You worry about what you're going to provide instead of popcorn, alright?"

Magnus brightened. "I will prepare a feast, Alexander."

"Dork," Alec muttered, sighing. But then he let his fingers brush against Magnus's as they walked to class, together.

* * *

Izzy had given Alec such shit for leaving the house for something other than grocery shopping, that Alec had ended up throwing her phone out of the window. Izzy shrieked, Jace laughed his fucking ass off and Alec apologised out loud but not where it _really _counted. (His heart.)

Siblings honestly sucked and Alec would not recommend them to anyone who wanted to live a life without feeling like slamming your head against the wall.

When Alec got to Magnus's house, Magnus opened the door in an apron. There was glitter on the apron, an array of colours that made Alec grimace fondly. Grimace _fondly_.

"Oh, hello," Magnus said, smiling softly and jerking his head. "Come in."

Alec did, and he was hit by an aroma of some sort. It smelt goddamn _good_, like the fresh baking his mother did when they were young – she obvious doesn't anymore – and if Alec could eat a smell, this is literally the smell he would eat.

"Did you bake for me?" Alec said, trying to sound as level as he could.

"Uh, _yeah_," Magnus said, padding into the kitchen. "I was thinking about alternatives to popcorn and I thought _mini-cookies!_ Mini cookies with chocolate chips in them. They like _melt _in your mouth."

"Oh," was all Alec could say. "Oh."

So Magnus made pretty nice cookies and had really bad movie taste and had a really nice house where Alec could put his feet on the table and he had really nice hair and oh, was that Magnus's hand why yes –

"Magnus," Alec said as Magnus curled his fingers around Alec's so they were _holding hands_. Holding hands like they were in the third grade or something. Not that Alec really knew much about relationships anyway, having never been in one. I mean, he'd been in one in his _head_, if that counted for anything.

"Alec," Magnus replied without looking away from the screen.

And Alec wanted to pull away, he did, but it felt really good. Like, I am comfortable and I will sleep here and I can _feel _your affection good. Sometimes Alec wondered if he really _wasn't _ready for this, and that he was just projecting his feelings for Jace onto Magnus. Other times Alec wondered why he would even wonder it in the first place.

"I – are you actually watching the movie?" Alec whispered.

"Mhm," Magnus said. "I like this movie." He smiled.

"Well I was just thinking, uh, maybe we could –"

"Oh, dear Alexander," Magnus murmured. "You are too fucking sweet."

Alec opened his mouth to protest being called _sweet_, Alec had never been called _sweet_ in his whole life, but then Magnus's lips had found his in the dark.

So maybe it wasn't perfect at first, there was a slight awkward bump and a pause and a hesitance before Alec found the right angle to move his lips against Magnus's, and then it was _good_. Alec opened his mouth instinctively for Magnus, and they moved together like this wasn't Alec's like first _proper_, proper kiss and Alec squeezed Magnus's hand when they pulled apart.

"Mhmm," Magnus said, and then brushed his lips against Alec's jaw.

Alec tilted his head up without realising and Magnus was _kissing his way down Alec's neck _and if that wasn't a goddamn turn-on Alec didn't know what was. Alec didn't even know what the fuck Magnus was doing but as long as it kept feeling like that, Alec was definitely okay with it.

"You make noises," Magnus said, laughing into Alec's skin. "Alexander."

"Hey, fuck you," Alec said, pushing Magnus away slightly. "Those are _involuntary_."

"I like them," Magnus replied. And then he fucking licked Alec's neck like he was a puppy and then they went back to making out for some more, because they wanted to, and because they could.

"I like you," Magnus whispered later on and Alec swallowed hard, not knowing what to say.

"Magnus, I –"

"You don't have to say anything, really," Magnus assured him. "That was just for me."

"I know, but," Alec protested. "I just want you to know that...that I'm not over Jace yet. But I'll get there. And when I get there, I want you to be there."

"Alexander," Magnus said, "I'm going to help you get there. And then, I'm going to stay. I want you to know that."

Alec sighed. "Yeah. Look – I've known Jace a really long time. When we were younger, people used to call me his shadow. And it was pretty much true. I was his shadow. I went everywhere Jace went, dogged him, wanted to _be _him. I was in his shadow so much that I couldn't leave it for the longest...the longest time. And sometimes I still feel like I'm there. Always – always _fucking _there. I can't believe this. I feel like Loki." Alec laughed bitterly.

"Well, Loki _was _hot in _The Avengers_," Magnus pointed out.

"Ha-ha," Alec said.

"But, really Alexander – I get it. And it's not stupid, okay? And you know what – you can _slay _that shadow, alright? Like devour the shadow. You don't need that shadow. You don't need to be that shadow. Rid yourself of all shadows." Magnus grinned. "Be a _Shadowhunter_."

"Oh dear god," Alec groaned. "That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life."

"Hey!" Magnus said. "It makes perfect sense. To step out of the shadow, you must first defeat the shadow. By this, I mean defeat what makes you think you're the shadow. Because you're not. You're not a shadow. You are Alexander Lightwood. You are great."

Magnus lowered his voice a little towards the end, going all husky, and Alec couldn't help it. He kissed Magnus on the corner of his mouth quickly, feeling all flushed at that one act despite the fact they had just made out for like half an hour.

"See?" Magnus said. "Of course you're great. You like me!"

"Shut up, Bane," Alec grumbled.

"Get over yourself, Lightwood," Magnus said, punching Alec in the arm with a teasing grin, and Alec looked down so that Magnus wouldn't be able to see the look in his eyes.

* * *

A/N: _Yeah, uh, hi! Some cute Malec feels for now. If you liked, please leave a review! Thanks for all your reviews, seriously, they are awesome. Also, if you wanna chat about this or about anything else, my askbox on tumblr is always open - my username is _pinebear _then of course just add dot tumblr dot com after it. __so please come and meet me and become best friends! (i'm lonely). Love you all _


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